Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Once Is Not Enough

I was still sleeping when I heard his voice. At first, I couldn’t believe it. Was I still dreaming? It was the kind of voice that is forever embedded in your memory. It was soft, sweet and yet from the heart, the kind you never forget. Kind of like hearing a beautiful aria for the first time, the kind that sends chills down your spine. The kind where you desperately hope for an encore but it never comes. I waited quietly to see if I would hear it again, however it was not to be.

I remember the first time I heard his voice. It was years ago. He never talked at first. It seemed like I was talking to myself for the longest time however I knew deep inside, he understood. Our conversations, if you call them that, took place round the clock. Always one sided of course, but you could tell by his smile that he “got” it.

So today was wonderful. His voice was much deeper now, more manly. But oh, so sweet. It was only one word though, “Hi”. I called out to him and asked him to repeat it but I heard nothing. I waited some more and then asked again. Still nothing.

I got up and went to his room. There in his bed, was my son, smiling. He’s fourteen now. It’s been years since I’ve heard his voice. But this morning I woke to the most beautiful sound, “Hi”. I kissed him on the cheek and said the same words that I say every morning, “Good morning, beautiful doll”. I thanked him for saying “hi” not knowing how much time would pass before I would hear it again, if at all. Our days are growing longer and much quieter now since he sleeps most of the time.

His Dad and I speak daily. Sometimes we have the conversation on which life skills we wish he could have, if we had to choose only one. Talking and walking always come to the top of the list, but we can never figure out which one is more important. Would it be more important for dear son to tell us what he needs and wants or more important for him to run and play with the other boys? Our conversation is the type you have when the lottery stakes get really high and the news people ask people what they would do with the money if they won. Only it’s not a lottery and we are never going to win.

Sometimes, I dream of the conversation that my son and I will never have. I would love to hear about his day in the first person instead of reading the day’s events in the spiral notebook attached to the back of the wheelchair. Sometimes, when I am out somewhere, I envy sometimes the excitement of boys talking to their parents telling them about their day. I envy them when they are arguing too because some language is better than none. They don’t know it of course, because they are blessed. As it should be.


Fat Doctor said...

OK, I hate to gush, but I think you are a brilliant writer and a superlative mom and an overall fabulous human being, and I don't understand why everyone in the world doesn't tune into your blog first thing in the morning like I do. Your love shines like a full-body halo.

Rachel said...

I've been reading you daily, and I just want you to know that you inspire me. You make me want to take every single moment with my kids and cherish it, because not everyone is so blessed as I am.

Anonymous said...

what a beautiful thing to have heard him,even if it was only that one time.i sincerely hope he will speak to you again.sending lots of live your way to both you and your son.

Anonymous said...

i meant to type love,not live.have a wonderful evening!

Tiffany said...

Dream Mom -
I just found your blog today. This story is beautiful. My precious brain damaged son is almost 9 months old and I have never heard him cry. (I know - most mom think "Isn't that wonderful? He doesn't cry at all!" But I am sure you understand that - no it isn't wonderful.) Praise the Lord - I have been able to hear him use his voice in little sighs sometimes. I wonder if I will ever be able to have a conversation with Dillon - or just to be able to hear him say "I love you Mommy" one day. God tells us in the Bible that everyone must come to Him in faith and in repentance for sin in order to spend eternity in Heaven with Him. If my little one isn't mentally capable of coming to a point of turning to God in repentance for sin...I KNOW I will be able to talk to him for eternity in Heaven one day! Do you have that assurance? That you will be going to Heaven when you die - where you will be able to not only spend all of eternity with the Almighty God but also with your wonderful son? If not - I would love to share some more from the Bible with you. Have a great day - and it was nice "meeting" you.

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